


Pumpkin Spice and Everything Ni-... oh Who the Fuck is Iwa Kidding?

by KilluasRealMom



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, COFFEE PUNS EVERYWHERE, Coffee Puns, Kuroken as Iwas roommates, M/M, Slow Build, just a bunch of characters as coworkers, literally just my experiences as a barista but romantic, oikawa orders horrible drinks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-05-16 03:42:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5812447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilluasRealMom/pseuds/KilluasRealMom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi Hajime is content working his way through college at the local coffee shop until one day an obnoxious customer comes in, using terrible coffee puns as pick up lines, ordering hellaciously complicated drinks, and generally making his life a living hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Just Latte Art. Chill.

Working in a coffee shop, Iwaizumi had plenty of people who would give him sympathy for how awful working the opening shift must be, but what nobody really knows is that being a barista is _way ___worse during closing shift. Yeah, getting up at ass-o’clock in the morning to open the store by five is a pain, but the shift goes by quickly. Customers tip well because you give them their liquid crack and then you have the whole day in front of you after your shift. You can work five to noon, nap til two and still have the whole day to go to class and get shit done.  
  
CLOSING shift however. Closing shift is hell. Iwaizumi contemplated this while he knocked his head rhythmically against the counter. Closing shift is slow which results in crappy tip even though everyone wants stupidly complicated drinks. The worst part though, is how _awful ___the customers are. Customers who come in at night are typically stressed out college students who order one thing and then park their ass in a chair and don’t move all night or grumpy business people leaving work who tend to take their daily frustrations out on baristas because their job is “inferior”. Neither of these groups of people tip well. He sighs and knocks his head against the counter again with a soft ‘thunk’.  
  
The ‘ding’ of the doorbell dragged Iwaizumi out of his reverie though and he straightened up, attempting to put on a pleasant face for the customer.  
  
“Welcome to Brewed Awakening, what can we get ya?”  
  
“I’ll have a large, sugar free, chocolate raspberry mocha with an extra shot of espresso and no whip. Oh, but still use 2% milk, skim is gross” the man said with a grin, his golden eyes sparkling like he hadn’t just proven Iwaizumi’s inner monologue right.  
  
With a forced smile and a swapping of cash, Iwaizumi sets to work, pulling espresso shots and steaming milk all the while keeping up the “corporate mandated” customer conversation. The guy was cheery and did most of the talking for him though, which was nice. Without thinking he tossed the shots in, stirred, and poured the milk; making a heart. Latte art was fun and tested Iwaizumi’s skills when the job would otherwise get monotonous. Hearts were the first thing you learn, and Iwaizumi had just started practicing. On autopilot, he handed the drink out to the customer.  
  
“My, my…” the customer looked at Hajime’s name tag “Iwaizumi-san, how _forward ___of you~~”  
  
“Wha-“  
  
“I mean, I know I’m gorgeous. I’m probably the prettiest person you’ve talked to you in your whole life but a confession via coffee cup? How much more cliché can you be Iwa-chan?”  
  
“Who the _fuck ___is Iwa-chan???” Iwaizumi manages to spit out before the customer started chattering at him again.  
  
“As a barista, you should really try to be more creative if you’re gonna pick up on customers though. Especially customers as stunning and charismatic as me.”  
  
“What are you even talking abou-“  
  
“The heart says it all.” A wink. “The silent and stoic barista is too emotionally constipated to express his feelings to the hot customer verbally so he does it through his art. How utterly _romantic~~ ___”  
  
“Oh. My god.” Iwaizumi gives up, throwing his hands in the air and walks into the back of the store. Tinkling laughter follows behind him that he pointedly ignores. Starting some dishes, Hajime hopes the fuckin’ weirdo would leave before someone else needed his attention.  
  
\----------  
  
No. Iwaizumi was not avoiding the front of the store. Having Yachi deal with the customers was just giving her practice because she was new. That he was doing her dishes in the back despite being her shift manager was just him giving her a break. He was not avoiding the front. DEFINITELY not avoiding the weird customer who thought Hajime was hitting on him. Nope. Not at all.  
  
30 minutes after The Weirdo Incident, Iwaizumi figured he was safe to go back up front. The guy would likely have left already or have settled down to work on something, which would mean he wouldn’t have time to antagonize unsuspecting baristas. Iwaizumi sent Yachi back to do food prep and dishes and she bowed to him hurriedly, stuttering out a relieved thank you before fleeing. Iwaizumi felt kind of bad but shrugged it off, she’d have to learn to deal with way worse anyway. He grabbed a rag and went to run a cleaning lap around the store.  
  
“I guess I’ll bring donuts in next shift I work with her…” Iwaizumi muttered to himself, wiping down the customer counter.  
  
“Buying someone else baked goods?” a smooth voice in his ear startled Iwaizumi. “And here I thought we had something _special ___Iwa-chan” The Weirdo pouted.  
  
“Yeah. Especially weird” Iwaizumi snapped back, resisting the urge to smack this guy on the back of his fluffy head “and my name is Iwaizumi, not Iwa-chan.”  
  
“Mean, Iwa-chan! You don’t like your nickname? I thought if you had a cuter name, it’d belie the grumpy-hedgehog vibe you’ve got going. This _is ___a customer service job you know. You have to be somewhat approachable.”  
  
A deep sigh and a pause. “I’m _sooo~ sorry_ sir” Iwaizumi managed to infuse his words with every ounce of sarcasm in his body. Which was however many ounces Iwazumi weighed. Many ounces of sarcasm. “You’re correct. Is there _anything_ at all I can do to make your experience at Brewed Awakening better?”  
  
“Well I don’t know. You’ve been super rude to me but I think if you gave me your number it’d be a… _fair trade ___” The Weirdo said, a huge grin on his face from his perceived cleverness.  
  
“…no. You did not just make that pun. I refuse to give my number to weirdos who use coffee jokes as pick-up lines”  
  
“To be fair Iwa-chan, your latte-heart move was even worse.”  
  
“Oh my god! I was _not ___hitting on you!”  
  
“Yeah, yeah. Sure.” He raised a disbelieving eyebrow at Hajime “Anyway Iwa-chan, I gotta go, busy life of a celebrity and all that. I’ll see you around.” And with that the strange man sauntered out the door winking at Iwaizumi as he passed the threshold. As he walked away, the only thing he left in his wake was the tinkling of the doorbell along with a strange feeling in Iwaizumi’s gut that this wasn’t over yet.


	2. Morning Shift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi works morning shift, Suga is suspicious, and puns are made.

Iwaizumi groaned as he heard the beeping of his phone and hauled himself out of bed. Dragging his semi-conscious body across the hall to the bathroom, Iwaizumi heard his roommates whispering in their room. He’d been scheduled morning shifts for the past 6 days since the other shift manager, Daichi, was out of town for a wedding. Iwaizumi was glad to have his evenings finally free but that 4am alarm was a bitch.

Never much of a morning person, still groggy and lacking inhibition, Iwaizumi knocked on Kuroo’s door.

“I know you and Kenma just got together recently but why the _fuck_ are you still awake?”

“Don’t be salty my friend! You’ll find true love one day and be just as gross as we are.” Kuroo’s laughing voice came back through the door.

“I sure as hell hope not” Iwaizumi muttered as he turned on the hot water, hearing a gentle “be nice, Tetsurou” behind him. He jumped into the steam, scalding himself awake and scrubbing down quickly before putting on his work uniform. He ran down the stairs, narrowly avoiding Kenma’s cat, Bidoof, before heading out the door.

He ran to work since it helped wake him up and keep him in shape. Plus, the shop is only 2 streets over from his crappy apartment. Iwaizumi got to the store and greeted Sugawara before throwing on his apron and starting to brew the morning selections of coffee. The half-hour before open went by quietly, with the two of them brewing coffee, calibrating thermometers, timing espresso shots, and prepping the food counter.

As 5am rolled around, Suga unlocked the door and the first few customers started straggling in, looking bleary and mostly unconscious and they ordered their Americanos and black coffees, headed off to whatever shit job had them up this early too. An hour flew by and the coffee shop got busier, and their other employee came in for his shift, taking over the cash register duties. Hinata was an energetic soul, and his enthusiasm was contagious which made customers like him. This made him great at working front cash because the customers tipped him wonderfully.

Iwaizumi was kind-of in a trance, making drinks by muscle memory and calling them out. The store had quieted down a little bit around 9 when he called out “grande, sugar-free vanilla latte! Half-caf with almond milk and whipped cream, for… Oikawo?”, rolling his eyes a little at the complicated drink.

“It’s OikawA, and may I say it’s just _tea-riffic_ to see you again Iwa-chan!” a disturbingly familiar voice responded.

An uneasy shiver ran down Iwaizumi’s spine as he looked up and saw The Weirdo grinning back at him, before he continued:

“It’s _bean_ so long since I’ve seen you here, I thought you were avoiding me.”

Sighing, Iwaizumi responded “Not avoiding, I have just been working morning shifts this week. Any lack of contact between us was just a happy accident. Also those puns are terrible, they weren’t even the same drink.”

“Rude Iwa-chan! Your customer service is even worse than last time I saw you and I didn’t know that was possible! Thankfully for you I’m an understanding soul so I will still tip you.” The Weirdo – Oikawa, Iwaizumi supposed – said with a wink.

Iwaizumi wished he had more customers so he could avoid this conversation by making other drinks but he was stuck. “Maybe I’m not a morning person, maybe I don’t like puns.” He responded, resulting in Oikawa’s snort of laughter.

“Puns are the highest form of humor; I’ll have you know.”

“That’s truly a frightening prospect for humanity.” Iwaizumi quipped, actually smirking a little bit at Oikawa.

“I see that smirk! I will prove to you that puns are amazing. You’ll laugh at one someday!”

“Good luck with that, you’ll need it”

“He’s not wrong! Our dear _Iwa-chan_ has only laughed 3 times that I’ve seen, and I’ve worked with him for 2 years!” a smirking Sugawara chimed in, glancing between Iwaizumi and The Weirdo.

“Oh don’t you worry Iwa-chan, I always get what I want.” Oikawa said with a leer, “I do need to run to class though, I’ll be _tea-ing_ you later. Nice to meet you Refreshing-kun.” he said, grabbing his drink and chuckling to himself as he headed out the door.

Iwaizumi studiously looked at the counter, grabbing a rag and wiping up his area and avoiding the knowing look from Sugawara and interested confusion from Hinata. The rest of his shift went by unremarkably and he left in a rush.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Iwaizumi worked for the next few mornings and Oikawa was there for each and every one of them, prepared with a pun.

 

Monday:  
“Have I seen you here before? It’s deja brew!”

 

Tuesday:  
“Thanks a _latte_ , Iwa-chan!”

 

Wednesday:  
“I’ve got a big test to study for and I’m pro- _caffeinating_.”

This continued on, until one day, Oikawa made his traditional joke and was on his way out when Iwaizumi called out:

“Have a _grande!_ ” after Oikawa as he left. Oikawa paused, stunned, before sending Iwaizumi an evil grin and leaving the store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no excuse for the 10 months between these chapters. I moved across the country and started a real job? Does that count. Anyway:
> 
> Americano: hot water with shots of espresso
> 
> Oikawa snorts when he laughs. You can fight me on this.

**Author's Note:**

> A heart really is the first thing you learn to make with latte art. Any coffee terminology or shop operations I will try to expand upon down here :)
> 
> This is my first fic so I really appreciate you guys reading it and I would LOVE if you'd leave me a note on what you thought!


End file.
